Hippies and hipsters are natural enemies in many ways, but they share the common bond of liberal politics. And these two sub-cultures don’t just support liberal politics, no sir, they support liberal politics without knowing anything about politics! That brings us to today’s question: what are the top pet causes for each group…and who has the edge?
For hipsters? Barack Obama is the king. He can do no wrong. For the hipster, his cigarette habit was proof that he was like one of them! Then again, it’s easy to do no wrong when no one knows what you’ve done. Ask a hipster why they like Barack Obama some time and you’ll get one of three responses:
1) Are you racist or something?
2) He’s really going to bring about change. (NOTE: follow up with “what kind of change?” to get the following response)
3) He’s going to give the people hope!
While some people may criticize hipsters for this mindless repetition of campaign slogans, I think it’s great that we’ve replaced the outdated ideals of “Truth, Justice, and the American Way!” with “Change, Hope, and Massive White Guilt!”
Hippies, however, have no problems with white guilt, as they’ve obviously transcended to a higher level of existence. And higher levels of existence are synonymous with, you guessed it, Tibet. And there’s nothing a hippie loves more than to hold a concert for the freedom of the poor, oppressed monks of Tibet. With hippies, however, it is even easier to perplex them. You don’t even have to ask them why Tibet should be free. Just ask them what Tibet should be freed from.
If their reply is “From, you know…the man!” you have the legal right to kill them.
And we’re going to have to call this one a push for today, folks.
And, Rest in Peace, Skip Caray, you were one of the very best announcers I’ve heard.
Quoth Dave, “There aren’t many hippies here but there are TONS of hipsters. I think they’re in the same phylum, or something?”
After rushing to wikipedia to remind myself of what “phylum” meant, I’m here to confirm Dave’s hypothesis. Hippies and Hipsters are absolutely of the same phylum. I would go so far to say that they are included in the same genus, “probablydoesnthavemuchmoneyius” However, these two “alternative lifestyles” account for two vastly different species. The question is…which one wins the tale of the tape?
Body Odor
Advantage: Hipsters. It should be noted that a certain kind of hipster (the “dumb emo kid”) showers very regularly. However, the vast majority of today’s “indie hipster” crowd showers about as infrequently as, well, hippies. So why do hipsters win this one? Because they don’t proceed to drench themselves in incense, patchouli, and sage, a group of smells that go about as well with B.O. as Axe. Furthermore, hipsters usually have a lot of clothes to mask their sent, instead of just the 2 tie-dyed woodstock t-shirts their Uncle Joe gave them.
Music Taste
Advantage: Hippies. This may come as a surprise to those of you familiar with my vocal distaste for jam bands, but at least they know what they like and are incredibly dedicated. For hippies, little things like eating are less important than getting that Grateful Dead bootleg 12-disc set. Ever seen a hippie forced to choose between buying a new stash of weed or the new Phish live disc? It ain’t pretty, I’ll tell you that much. Hipsters, on the other hand, are as fickle as it gets, dropping bands from their Facebook music interests the minute Pitchfork gives them a 8.5 or lower.
To be continued soon as hippies and hipsters square off on the political battleground…
oh and…Record of the week: Electric Bunnies – Fantastic Metal Eye (catchy, noisy punk from Florida). Comic of the week: Gentleman Jim, a damn fine indie book from Drawn & Quarterly.
